I have been hesitant to share anything COVID-19 related since this whole pandemic started. Honestly, I still don’t want to. I don’t like the uneasy feeling of uncertainty. I don’t like thinking about the millions of ways that my life could be disrupted because of this.

But of course with social media it is near impossible to escape.

That being said, it's hard to talk about this subject without addressing the reason why I’m bringing it up. So yeah, the ‘rona forced me into self-reflection.

Okay, let me get on with it.

I don’t know if you remember a sweet little thing I wrote last year called, If I'm Honest: A Boudoir Shoot Won't Fix You, But Cake Will, and that post was the honest truth.

The amount of love that I had for that man...well it was A LOT of love. However, as I had more time to heal from it and distance myself from it the more I realized something so glaringly obvious.

I held a lot of love for him, but not nearly enough love for myself.

Now, I wish I could get hella real with you. I wish that I was at a place where shame and stigma didn’t grip my vocal chords everytime I tried to speak about what ruined my relationship with myself. But I’m not at that place, and that’s okay. But what I can tell you is that loss of love for myself led me to sacrifice myself over and over again in order to keep someone who wasn’t meant to be mine.

I’m not going to bash on him. He was my first love and nothing feels more icky than having people bash someone you loved, but we weren’t prepared for each other. And I wasn’t prepared for what I THOUGHT I wanted.

I lost a big chunk of myself during that relationship. My insecurities told me that I had to do and be EVERYTHING to him in order for him to stay. I was constantly redrawing and renegotiating boundaries. I was saying yes to things that I wouldn’t typically say yes to. I was becoming docile.

I was losing myself.

And though I had PLENTY of time to recover from our relationship, I still hold this deep fear. The fear that I would lose myself again.

It’s definitely a possibility. Who's to say that the next relationship I won’t struggle with the same thing? And who’s to say that I won’t be gripped by the fear that I’m not enough?

But what is also a possibility is the fact that I will get to a point where I LOVE myself more than I LIKE my potential partner. I foresee, that when we are able to live in the wild again––fuck you COVID––that I will be returning to our world a woman with a deeper appreciation for herself.

Truthfully, I was crushed that I was holed up in my house without a romantic partner. I started to revisit the dynamics of my last relationship and for a moment my heart clenched at the loss. I had no one to go for that emotional intimacy and support. And even worse I had no one to have freaky-ass quarantine sex with. However, the deeper I went into the memory of him and I the more I realized that this was the perfect opportunity to do something I have never done before.

Choose myself.

Everyday. Everyday, I am waking up with the intention of speaking to myself with love and care and asking myself FIRST what I need. Everyday, I do my best to make myself feel like the most desirable person in the world. And if one day I don’t feel that way, that’s okay too. Instead of forcing it, I strip my bed, shower, change my sheets and lounge in bed all day.

And as for the freaky-ass quarantine sex… well I give that to myself to ;) but we’re saving that for another blog post <3

Now. This is not one of those “inspirational” posts about how you should come out of this pandemic a BETTER person than when you went in. We’re living in collective trauma there is no way that we won’t be remade in some way. What this post is, is me asking you to do one thing and one thing only.

Wake up in the morning and choose yourself, in whatever way that is best for you.

This morning, I chose myself by celebrating my body in self-portraiture. Take a look <3

All the best + much love,

75th and Yeadon

P.S. If you need help on your self-acceptance journey, check out my favorite book at the moment What A Time to Be Alone by Chidera Eggerue

EDIT:

HAHA… OKAY. In FULL transparency, I got a bit of cold feet and removed the more nipple-y photos. I woke up from a nap with a bit of anxiety over being that vulnerable. There is power in nudity and I love that I felt comfortable enough in the moment to share at first but in the spirit of choosing myself, I chose my own comfort over the fear of disappointing others (Although I’m sure many of you don’t know what you’re missing).

I do want to take this opportunity to also say that in the future, when you book your shoot (which you can do that here) that I will always ask for permission to share your photos. You have COMPLETE control over if I share your photos or not. And if you say yes but then change your mind, no worries at all, you may revoke your permission and I will delete them from all platforms that I have shared them on.